People say being a father is one of the hardest jobs. You have to protect your kid whilst also battering them because the world out there is so cold. Or wait, was it protect and love your children because the world will batter them enough?

My father is no longer the framework which I bounce in to see how far I can go. I would love to have his love and admiration, his respect. But he does not see things like this. I think he hates and or loathes us, blames us for something. It is the only reason I can think of why he doesnt call, or hug, or just chill.
He does not really respect himself but he still treats himself well.
He does not hang out with my grandma, just lives next to her and eats with her when he s hungry.
He will not change a single thing from his daily life to accommodate us.

My mother sees him, and I think she doesn't really care what she says because she has her boyfriend Paul and at the end of th day they have each other and the television, so they block anything to do with my father or us.

Sometimes I wish I had no father as at least that would bring me closure. What I am struggling with is the illusion of having a father, and then being continuously manipulated and left on the edge because you do not obey the family system.

This family does not enjoy one another- They enjoy the security of acting normal or how things are supposed to be, whilst completely avoiding the main purpose of being together, which is love.

This leaves me feeling completely alone and alienated, when Jess and I are probably the most normal of all.

I should not really use Tim as an idea punching bag. I now really wonder what goes on in his head while he looks at me frowning. Is it that I look pretty or am I actually making sense.

I was talking about the emptiness one feels when you question and break through what has been built around you. How what seemed like a normal thing to do should actually not be done at all, and how that shakes your foundation leaving you to build another, actively or not.
I was talking about how I don't like it when people decide to get new hobbies not because of a feeling or out of a necessity. The people who embark on new adventures with less spiritual welcoming than a Red District vagina.

I was also talking about the savageness of Spanish civilisation, on how it takes balls to act something out, but then takes eloquence and intellect to make it prosper.
Globally, divide people in civilised and uncivilised, which mostly responds to the people who have toilets and wifi,  and the people who don't. Then, divide this again in civilised civilised, and savage civilised, which manifests in the level of craft and efficiency of both systems and competences.
The savage civilised can also be divided, in an active imitation of the civilised, or a passive more soft embrace of another society.
In Spain, the leaders think they are actively becoming part of the first and foremost group. However, they are getting soft power kicks in the balls.